It’s been a long time! I know. It’s been a pretty amazing year for me. Not to brag. I’ve been doing a decent amount of traveling and diving and therapizing and growing. Slowly. I don’t know that I’m too much closer to my long-term goals than I was a year ago – but, there is movement. I’m figuring things out slowly. Also – changes in the world means I’ve been thinking about pivoting a bit. So – the goal I thought I was working towards is put on hold while I try to determine how much I need to pivot or not. We shall see. I don’t mean to be obtuse – but, I don’t really know what I’m doing at this point. So the vagueness isn’t intended – it’s literally because I don’t know.
But – I thought I’d change course a little today. One thing I haven’t talked about in any of these blogs is sex. But, recently, I’ve been spending a lot of time talking about sex – and I feel like I want to explore that here.
You know – when we talk about wellness, we don’t often talk directly about sex. But, it is part of wellness, is it not? If we want to think about the pillars of wellness – it occurs to me that it falls within a couple of those pillars – such as physical, emotional and social. Heck, it might also fall into spiritual, vocational, financial, and maybe even environmental. So, if it is so important, why don’t we spend more time talking about it?
I suppose in my life – I have had periods when I spoke about it a lot; however, most of the time it wasn’t in regards to wellness. I think sex is a funny thing because it’s glorified and sensationalized, but it’s also taboo. It’s on one hand related to intimacy, connection and health and on the other hand it is also often related to trauma or at the very least, uncomfortable situations. Sex can be both orgasmic (see what I did there) and painful. It often brings up issues of body image, expectations and confidence. It brings up religious views and obsessive/compulsive behavior and addiction. It is fascinating.
Now – let me be upfront here. I’m not going to come on here and talk about my own sex life. While, I don’t necessarily care about being upfront about the highs and lows of my sex life – I have a partner who would likely not appreciate that and I have full respect of his privacy.
But, I really have had a lot of clients, particularly over the past couple of months, talk to me about sex. And, it has gotten me thinking about it more than I might on my own. I think it’s useful to give you a glimpse of the issues (while obviously maintaining their confidentiality).
I have one client with significant sexual trauma history starting when she was quite young. When she and her girlfriend have sex, her girlfriend feels that she is “not enjoying it.” She isn’t sure how to handle it.
Another client is getting divorced after a long marriage. She is exploring her sexuality by having multiple partners without emotional commitment to any of them. She is having a blast, but is also feeling guilty because her religion says sex should only be between a man and woman.
One male client has been talking to me about he and his new girlfriend. He also has significant trauma history, but his is war-related. He is dealing with lack of desire and is worried that this is only going to get worse over time. He is facing a lot of shame and guilt, and worries that his partner won’t be able to deal with his lack of desire and will take it personally.
I have several couples recently who have talked to me about a disparity between how much they want sex and how much their partner does – and the related challenges it brings up.
Then, of course, there are clients who do not have a sexual partner (or are in a sexless relationship) and they are trying to figure out how to navigate that (and who are dealing with the related stigmas related to things such as masturbation, porn or relationship-less sex).
Hoooo – sex can be complicated. Yet, it’s a very human (animalistic) need. It’s natural. In some ways it’s not complicated at all – and yet...
So, what do we do? Well, communicate, for one. But, this is a tough one for so many people – and yet, it might solve so many issues. It’s not so easy though, is it? And why? Because so many of us hate feeling vulnerable – and yet, we’re doing the most intimate of actions with someone. It’s funny that way, isn’t it? It kind of makes me laugh that very often sex can happen quite early in a relationship – far earlier than anyone is really discussing many more vulnerable topics – yet, sex is ripe with vulnerable issues.
Something else interesting I’ve been thinking a lot about recently is that there are so many issues that we don’t regularly talk about, but they often are related to (particularly heterosexual couples). The first is that women and men are aroused at different rates – VASTLY different rates. I went to training about a year ago where the lecturer stated that women on average take approximately 20 minutes to become aroused such that she is ready to have sex. Men take a few minutes. This is incredibly important because – I had read a while ago that many women had admitted to having had painful sex. I looked it up again – 75% of women have said they have had sex when they were in pain. And, when you think about that vastly different timeframe for being ready for sex, along with many other societal ideas about the importance of men’s desires and women’s emotions – it does not really surprise me that so many women have had painful sex. But – holy hell. What a statistic!
Also, and I might be a little jaded in this regard, but people have had sexual trauma in their past. Way back when I was freshly out of college, I used to teach about sexual abuse in Arizona with part of this amazing organization. I learned that sexual abuse happened way more frequently than I realized. I just looked them up to make sure I’m being current, but according to the CDC, (in the US) one in four girls and one in twenty boys is sexually abused before they turn eighteen. (When I was teaching, we used to use the stat 1in 3 girls and 1 in 5 boys have been sexually abused, which I suspect is closer to the truth; however, in my line of work I am definitely more likely to hear of these histories, and thus I am not certain). For sexual assault, one in five women have been sexually assaulted. Additionally, per the National Sexual Violence Resource Center, “nearly a quarter (24.8%) of men in the U.S. experienced some form of contact sexual violence in their lifetime.” When one has had trauma in their past, it can obviously impact how he/she experience sex in their present. Part of enjoying sex requires relaxing (particularly if one wishes to orgasm) and relaxing might be challenging if a person has experienced any form of sexual violence.
Well, and then there are those pesky emotions. Relational conflict can impact sexual relationships. This CAN be more present in one gender than the other, but I will avoid gender stereotypes (or try to). How one interprets conflict in the relationship and how this is dealt with in the physical relationship can be important.
And, then just to wrap up what I feel like delving into – there are plenty of couples (regardless of makeup) who face differences of sexual drive (and this is often not static – it can change over time). Or, couples may experience a difference in what they are comfortable with sexually. I have another couple I work with who had very different upbringings – one in a very restrictive family and the other in a family where almost anything was acceptable. They struggle with how to navigate those differences in their sexual desires. Sex is a place that is ripe for judgment and insecurity. How to cope with those differences is a big question.
Where does this leave us? What does “wellness” mean when it comes to sex? Well, I’m no sexual guru – but, I think this is personal for each of us. However, I think exploration is good. It can lead to new possibilities for enjoyment. I encourage communication. I am fully aware of how challenging that can be, and yet it is incredibly important. And, I’m not simply talking about sharing what feels good and doesn’t. I also think it can be important to talk about expectations, what is happening emotionally, what has happened in the past; what the future might look like. Try to change focus; buck the routine; do something new. Explore your own thoughts and see what else is out there. Diversity in thought can be beautiful. Sex is normal, natural and (hopefully) fun. Be true to yourself. Try to be open, but don’t do things if you don’t want to do them. If you don’t want to have sex and your partner does, try to be open to exploring what is happening. If you have trauma in your past, get help. These days, there are lots of great therapies that can be explored. You don’t have to stay stuck if you don’t want to. What else? I don’t know. Body paints?
“Eroticism is close to life, closer than philosophy or anything like that, its an animal thing that has many facets and is pleasing to use, as you would use a tube of paint." Marcel Duchamp
Throughly enjoyed this. Thanks for sharing and lots of great stuff to think about.